If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain.
Because I remember everything.
If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets.
Because I remember everything.
 
That about sums it up. Baber's still out. He's off the respirator, at least, and breathing on his own. But he's not waking. They've started talking to me about preparing myself to pull the plug if he doesn't start kicking himself over soon. It's been a month and other than his chest healing... there's been no progress. No change. I'm going to give it as long as I can... I don't k now how well I'd do without him. I'm barely functioning as it is.
 
Shade and I purchased that land that Sassy used to own in DE. We've set up shop there and have taken over the businesses. Being a landlord is a hell of a lot of work. But I guess it's not thankless, I've met some good people - Clem, Alex, Syrus. And a few others around. Just need to get more renters in and we'll be all set.
 

I don't have a lot new to report. "John Smith" grabbed me off the streets a while back and beat the shit outta me. More bombs, more threats. He beat the hell outta Det. Lei as well. I'm not amused.
 
As of Thursday it'll have been three weeks since Baber was put down. He's still in a coma, docs don't know when he'll wake up. If he wakes up. I've spent a lot of time with him but after the first two weeks I couldn't keep putting off my duties anymore and I have been back at work. Got out of the hospital Monday. Today's Wednesday, I think. Yeah. That's about right.
 
Cap would yell at me about the amount I've been drinking but at the moment I'm not sure it matters much. He doesn't know, and if he does then he can wake his ass up to yell at me. And if he doesn't wake his ass up to yell at me...
 

Yeah, I know. Boo hoo for me.
 
Baber's still in a coma, he shows no signs of waking up anytime soon. At least he's not having to deal with me like this. It's almost a mercy for him. Yesterday he got ahold of me. I was careless and off my game and he scooped me up off the street like I was some greenhorn that has never been in ops before. God, how could I be so stupid? 
 
He hurt Kerstyn as well. Roughed her up pretty damn badly. The woman's tough, though. She'll survive. But she's hell bent on going after this guy. I just want to keep her as far away from it as possible. Alex is ripped and raring to go as well. As is Shade. They just have no idea what they're up against. None whatsoever.
 

The page is wet, stained with bloody fingerprints.
 
I am a plague on everyone I know. Syn was taken because of me. Baber's been shot because of me. I had to hurt Alex. Did I have to hurt him? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.
 
I don't need to be alive. It won't help anything. I'm nothing. Worthless. Baber's probably never going to wake up. Everyone I care about, everyone I call family, gets hurt because of me. If I'm not here... they're safe. They're protected. No one will bother them because of me.

Baber took one to the chest last night. Upper left side. Nicked an artery. Doctors nearly lost him a few times. The prognosis isn't good. They said he might not make it.
 
He lived through the night, that's about the best news I have right now. Other shit's been going down but I don't have the energy to write about it. If Baber dies none of it will matter anyway.